“When ‘Not Tonight, Honey’ Becomes the Norm; Part 2”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

In our first installment of this article series, you learned about inhibited sexual desire, a very common sexual disorder that plagues millions of couples, and gay partnerships are no exception to this epidemic. You learned about its symptoms, subtypes, and possible causes for its existence in a relationship. In Part 2, some tips and strategies will now be offered on how best to manage and overcome this barrier to intimacy so that your relationship may enjoy the fruitful rewards of a healthy sexual lifestyle.

Additional Facts & Tidbits

Knowledge is power, so as you begin to try and make sense of the discrepancies in your sex drive as a couple, it’s important to be aware of some factors that pertain to sexuality and desire in long-term relationships.

• Inhibited sexual desire rarely exists by itself; there’s usually a co-existing problem that goes along with it. Erectile dysfunction is a common partner-in-crime, for example. You then have to sift through all the possible determinants and figure out which came first. What’s the original source of the problem versus what’s really a symptom of something else? This will help you prioritize where to start first in focusing your efforts for change.
• Many people succumb to the myth that only the young are interested in sex and that the need for hanky-panky declines with age. Wrong! While it may be true that some sexual functions in men take longer to get warmed up after midlife, older men can still “kick it” like the best of them, and lots of times even better! If one of the reasons you’ve stopped being sexual is because you’ve bought into this notion of being “too old”, stop the madness! It can take longer to stoke the fire to get things burning, but imagine how much fun you could have with all that extended foreplay. Yummy!

What now follows are some tips from my clinical experience and suggestions from Sandra Leiblum’s “Principles & Practice of Sex Therapy” (2007) on some possible ways to best negotiate the slippery slopes of desire difficulties in your relationship so you can restore that needed sense of connection. It’s important for both partners to read and understand the tips below; it can be easy to pigeon-hole and scapegoat the low-desire partner, but it’s essential to understand that most relational problems have interactional and systemic dynamics in which both men contribute to and/or sustain and reinforce the issues in some way. Taking responsibility for both your parts will go a long way toward improving your situation. As the higher-desire partner, your understanding of the psychology behind your partner’s struggles may better help you gain some clarity on how to best support and encourage him.

Coaching Tips for the Low-Desire Partner

• As a prerequisite to doing anything, make sure that you have obtained a medical examination to rule out any organic causes. Sometimes decreased desire occurs because of such things as diabetes, endocrine problems, thyroid issues, or low testosterone. Additionally, if you’re taking any medication of any kind, sexual side-effects could be a big culprit and you’ll want to address these things with your physician. Also make sure  to spend time pinpointing the possible causes underlying the diminished interest in sex as outlined in Part 1. Don’t forget too that things like boredom, feelings about your partner, mental health struggles, alcohol, fatigue, family upbringing influences, and fears of contracting STD’s could be potential influences to your bedroom woes.
• Distancing from a sex life with your partner can lead to a cognitive negative association with sex and intimacy. Work at developing and nurturing positive feelings and connections to sex. This would involve doing such things as countering sex-negative thoughts and creating visualizations of enjoyable sensuality with your partner that is practiced daily to re-wire the meanings you attribute to sex with more satisfaction and interest. Fantasize about fulfilling sexual experiences with your partner during solo masturbation sessions to create an association of him with your feelings of arousal.
• The intensity of your sex drive is not a gauge for measuring sexual satisfaction. Just because you don’t feel like doing cartwheels when your partner starts putting the moves on for sex doesn’t mean that you can’t be aroused. Remember that we are all capable of experiencing sexual sensations in our body whether we’re in the mood to get laid or not. It’s our attitudes that create barriers to being open and receptive to these sensations that becomes the issue; perhaps allowing yourself the chance to get stimulated first might increase your desire.
• Be kind to yourself. This isn’t easy. Particularly with sex being socialized into us as such a key component of our masculinity as men, inhibited sexual desire can wreak havoc on your self-esteem in addition to your relationship strain. Be patient with yourself as you work through these exercises and separate your worth from this whole equation. Your sexuality is just one part of your identity and you do have the power to create a healthy and satisfying intimate life if you choose. Work on developing a healthy self-concept.

Coaching Tips for Both Partners

• Avoid getting into power struggles and pursuer-distancer traps over sex and using it as a weapon against each other. Sex is supposed to be a source of pleasure, not guilt or punishment. Address the underlying issues that might be getting in the way of the two of you experiencing more intimacy in your relationship. Affection, trust, communication, and honesty are all necessary ingredients for you to be able to jump-start your sex life together again.
• Keep sex vital and interesting! Use imagination, creativity, and humor. Break out of traditional ritualistic roles. Take turns initiating sex and demonstrate through your actions that you’re invested through involvement and enthusiasm. Break out of any boring routines that exist and expand your sexual repertoire. Use erotic books, magazines, and videos to spark a mood and act out this content in your own unique way. Draft up your own separate sexual fantasies in graphic detail and share them with each other and try them on for size. Have sex in different places, do some sexy role-playing, etc. Do anything to bring in some fresh energy.

Note of Caution: Many gay men turn to opening up their relationships or bringing in a third person into the bedroom to cope with their discrepant sex drives or to add more spice. While there is nothing wrong with this, these types of scenarios are best reserved for relationships of strength where sexuality between the partners is not compromised in any way. For relationships struggling with inhibited sexual desire, these scenarios only serve to create more distance and detachment from each other by focusing attention on another person to gratify sexual needs, reinforcing the association of a negative sexual relationship with the partner—which is already fragile. If your intent is to reconnect sexually as a couple, avoid these tactics at all costs!

• Realize that sexual intensity and chemistry is at its highest in the beginning of a relationship and tends to wax and wane over the course of time. This is normal and not a sign of trouble necessarily. By accepting that this passion and excitement fades, you can be more open to valuing what develops in its place and can perhaps put more of a focus on creating sensuality and intimacy rather than hardcore release. This can be equally or even more satisfying in comparison. Attain more reasonable expectations about the role of sex in long-term partnerships.
• Recognize that sex doesn’t have to be about who “the top” and who “the bottom” is. Incorporate more nonsexual spice and spontaneity into the relationship. Put more emphasis on foreplay, incorporate more touching and massage into your sessions, and let the focus be more about pleasure than orgasm and “getting off.” Read books and get trained by a coach on a technique called “sensate focus” to learn how to gradually ease back into sex with each other with an emphasis on pleasuring. Learn about tantric sexuality.

Conclusion

Inhibited sexual desire is a very complex relationship issue that can’t be done justice in a short article. It typically involves a myriad of various difficulties that lead to its existence and is best addressed in the context of couples counseling or sex therapy. Consider enlisting the services of a trained professional to help you through this process of change.

A lot of the above tips require “stretching” out of your comfort zone and trying on behaviors that don’t feel natural or are difficult to imagine doing. Nobody should do anything they are not comfortable doing or that opposes their value system and this should be honored in the relationship; however, it’s also important to ensure that they are true values versus defenses erected to avoid intimacy. And lastly, it’s important to remember that everyone has different sexual needs and drives that vary on a continuum from high to low; what matters most is whether you and your partner can accommodate each other’s needs and make that a priority. While it can seem hopeless at times, as long as the basic elements of attraction and affection for each other exist, you don’t have to be a victim and do have the power to change your relationship and remain a compatible and fulfilled couple.

* Reference:  Leiblum, Sandra (2007). Principles & Practice of Sex Therapy. New York:  The Guilford Press.

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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“My New Boyfriend’s Struggle with HIV”

Dear Coach:

I have recently started dating an HIV+ man. I am negative, and this is the first time I’ve dated someone opposite of my own HIV status. I never thought I could be truly comfortable in this kind of a dating situation, but we’ve grown really close and are well-suited for each other in so many ways. I can see now that the compatibility is more important than our HIV statuses, something I’ve been working through as we’ve continued to date. After he told me about being HIV+, he tried to break up with me saying that it could never work out with us being different HIV statuses. I asked him to be fair with me and let me make the choice as to whether I wanted to continue or not and I’ve decided I want to develop things further. It feels like such a good match with him. He keeps talking about it though and I keep telling him that I want to be with him. How should I let him know that he shouldn’t worry and feel guilty about me? He keeps asking me why him? How can I convince him that I care for him unconditionally?

Stuck

Dear Stuck:
Thanks for writing! It sounds like you’ve found someone whom you’ve developed a true connection with and this is truly a good fortune! All relationships experience their challenges and it sounds like you’ve been able to look beyond those roadblocks to see what’s really most important when it comes to love. Couples with differential HIV-statuses do face unique issues and challenges, but these are not insurmountable and these relationships can and do flourish successfully; you will have to adapt to and manage the presence of the disease in your life and all this entails, but essentially the goodness-of-fit between the two men and the love they share is ultimately what’s most important, as you’ve learned and concluded.

The most important thing you can do in this situation is to avoid making your partner’s HIV an emphasis in the relationship. Too much focus and attention placed on it will cause your relationship to be defined by it, and this can be extremely damaging…particularly since it sounds like your partner may possibly be struggling with accepting his diagnosis. Based on how you described his reactions in your letter, it sounds like he may still need some time to grieve and come to terms with having HIV and all its implications it has on his life and relationships. This is a process of coming to acceptance that only he can be responsible for and is his issue alone. There is not much that you can do to help him through this except to be a great support, a good listener, and to reassure him through your actions of commitment that you love him unconditionally. Continually trying to convince him that his HIV+ status isn’t an issue for you will only serve to emphasize its existence to him and reinforce his insecurities even more, causing him to think that it really does bother you.

It will be extremely important to make sure that you are being honest with yourself and are 100% confident and comfortable with building a relationship with an HIV+ man. If you have any lingering doubts or anxieties that you haven’t personally dealt with about this, these may unconsciously and inadvertently get expressed through your body language or actions…and he will pick up on these subtle clues and personalize them, which unfortunately will make him more sensitive about his HIV status and could possibly create a bigger rift between the two of you. Making an honest appraisal of your values and speaking with a therapist about your apprehensions might be good places to start if you do find that you're hesitant or uneasy about taking on the responsibilities inherent in such relationships.

So I would recommend to you that you just relax and enjoy the development of your relationship. Capitalize on the positives and strengths that the two of you share as a couple and take the emphasis off of the HIV by building positive memories and experiences with each other. HIV is not your relationship; it is only one part of the multi-dimensional aspects of your partnership. Keep growing your other parts and attend to HIV-related topics as needed, such as when you need to discuss how to negotiate safer sex practices into your intimate life, for example. Be a good listening ear for him when he needs to share his fears and concerns about your HIV-discordant statuses. Over time, these concerns typically diminish when he will be able to see through your consistent demonstration of commitment that he can trust you and see that you really are there for him and the relationship over the long haul. You can’t make him see this yet; this is a conclusion that he has to come to on his own. Even though it’s frustrating, pushing the issue of your reassurance and validation could give it more attention than is necessary and could end up sabotaging things, so let it evolve at its own natural pace.

All my best to you! Good luck to you guys!

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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