“5 Tips For Overcoming The Single Summertime Blues”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

Summertime is here in all its glory! Everyone is coming out of hibernation and there’s a buzz on the streets as people come out in droves to partake in all the fairs, parades, sporting events, and art shows. People are soaking up the sun at the beaches, having barbecue picnics in the parks, and biking and hiking along the lakeshores and in the forest preserves. For many, summer brings about a reawakening of the spirit, an invigoration of sorts for fun and activity. But for others, however, the season brings about a feeling of dread and helplessness. Why you ask? Let’s allow two fictional characters, John and Brad we’ll say, illustrate this all-too common experience.

John and Brad, two long-time friends, lay sprawled out on a big towel on the beach and overlook the spectacular landscape of bronzed Speedo-clad men prancing around on the hot sand and basking in the waves of the ocean.

“God, I love this time of the year! Just look at all these gorgeous guys!” gasped John, becoming intoxicated by all the eye candy surrounding them.

Brad rolled his eyes and released a heavy sigh. “I can’t believe you dragged me out here today! I’d much rather be at home watching my “Desperate Housewives” marathon on TV than to be here getting charbroiled by the sun! Some friend you are!” he complained.

“Aw, quit your bellyaching! I did you a favor by getting you out of your cave. And will you take your shirt off already? Jeez! This isn’t Alaska!”

“That’s easy for you to say! You and all these other guys out here look like Greek gods. I still haven’t gotten rid of my winter love handles and there’s no way I’m going to showcase them for the world to see!” cried Brad as his insecurities ran wild with every beefcake stud that walked by them.

“You’re too hard on yourself and you do this every summer! So you’re still coming with Craig and I to the Pride Parade, right?” said John.

“Another one of my favorite activities!” sang Brad sarcastically. “I absolutely detest going to those Pride events and seeing all those pretty boys with their boyfriends and everybody is holding hands, and it just makes me sick! It just reinforces the whole realization that I’m single, dateless, and it royally sucks!”

The Single Summertime Blues

Brad has got a serious case of the “Single Summertime Blues!” Maybe you’re single and you don’t want to be.  Could it be that you just ended a relationship with someone and this is your first summer flying solo? Maybe you’re not sporting those chiseled abs and biceps you’d fantasized about and compare yourself disappointingly to those who do possess these attributes. Or perhaps your life isn’t where you’d like it to be, unattained goals and wavering motivation getting you down.  With all the hoopla that the summer season touts, these types of scenarios and many others can contribute to the “blah” feelings that signify the “Single Summertime Blues”. Those afflicted with this condition can even feel depressed sometimes, harboring loads of negativity and defeat.

Remember that song “Ain’t No Cure For the Summertime Blues?” It can certainly feel that way at times, but good news abounds for all those “Brads” out there with an aversion for the summer season. There is an escape from the depths of despair! Just embrace the following recommendations and you’ll be well on your way toward becoming a summer worshipper! These strategies, however, are not for the faint of heart! They will require initiative, courage, and risk-taking on your part to bring about any positive movement as this is a prerequisite for any kind of growth. You must choose it and be proactive!

5 Tips For Becoming A Successful Summertime Single

1.  Nourish your mind, body, soul, and sexuality.

We all need to take care of ourselves, but especially when you’re stricken with the
 “blues”, it’s even more critical to engage in regular self-soothing and promote your
 own personal growth. Learn something new. Take a class. Visit a bookstore. Get a
 personal trainer and get on an exercise regimen. Eat nutritiously. Do something that  
 affirms your gay identity. Meditate and practice relaxation techniques. Keep a journal.
 Pursue a hobby. Get lost in music. While this seems like common sense, it can be very     easy to take these simple self-nurturing necessities for granted and neglect ourselves
 when we need them the most to rejuvenate at difficult times.

2.  Plan ahead for love and for your future.

For optimal success, it’s important to develop a vision (a blueprint or vivid picture of what you want) for your future, for a life partner, and for a relationship. This will give you a path to measure where you’re going and how you’re doing along the way. It’s important to identify your values, the things that would be most important for you in all those areas as this will define your mission. Then you can make conscious choices to make sure you’re living with integrity, a key component of living a life with healthy self-esteem.

3.  Become available and ready for Mr. or Ms. Right!

This means making the most of being single by taking this time to resolve any unfinished business from the past to bring about closure, grieve any necessary losses, build confidence and a positive self-concept, and defeat negative thinking with more affirming, optimistic mindsets. Embrace your singlehood and stop measuring your self-worth on your dating status; see this as a valuable time to get things in order so no baggage carries over when “The One” arrives in your life.

4.  Develop a dating action plan and skills toolbox.

Make a list of your non-negotiable needs that you have for a partner and relationship. What are things that you absolutely must have and absolutely cannot have in order to be in relationship with someone? This becomes your guidepost in screening dating prospects for potential compatibility and will help you save a lot of time and frustration along the way. Additionally, start building your repertoire of skills in communication, assertiveness, flirting, boundary-setting, screening, etc. to boost your sophistication and confidence in negotiating the dating jungle.

5.  Get out of your head!

When you’ve got the “blues”, there’s a tendency to become self-absorbed with your negative thoughts. Get out of your head and channel that energy into something more productive. Nothing works better than helping others. Volunteer for a worthy cause. Live your life to the max and do something that will give you more of a sense of meaning and passion. And take stock of all the strengths and positives that you have. You’re a good person! Share the gifts that you have and you’ll reap the benefits twofold!

Conclusion

So there you have it! This is just a starting point for the cure for the “summertime blues.” The important thing is to start viewing your single status as an opportunity. Your life is what you make of it, as the old saying goes, and you have the power within yourself to make this the best summer of your life if you choose. You can convert the “summertime blues” into “summertime bliss!” You’ll be great!

©2008 Brian L. Rzepczynski

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“The Spark Is Fading In Our Relationship”

Dear Coach:

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in a relationship with my partner now for nearly two years. He’s the first guy I can honestly say I’ve ever truly loved. A few months ago, my partner started losing interest in sex and I soon discovered that he was hooking up with other guys on the Internet. He says he loves me, but that it’s just on a different level than it was before. I feel like I’m more in love with him than he is me. Has he lost interest in me as a life partner? Is this worth saving?

Concerned

Hello Concerned:

Thanks for your letter and I’m sorry to hear about the issues you and your partner are going through. This is very common and will require the two of you to “step things up” in your relationship to get back on track again. Your partner’s behavior has undoubtedly hurt you and you will need a period of time to grieve what’s happened and determine your ability and desire to work on rebuilding a sense of trust.

All relationships experience a decline in that initial spark and chemistry that is so sweet in the beginnings of being together. At about 1.5 to 2-years together as a couple, most partners will begin to see a dip in the passion and electricity in their relationship. This is normal in the development of all relationships and is not necessarily reason to be concerned. It’s an indication that your relationship is maturing and now having to deal %with more sophisticated levels of intimacy and problems.

With this being said, your partner’s turning to other men at this stage does not necessarily mean that he loves you any less than you love him. Your love is indeed on a new level after having been together as long as you have now. That may sound strange considering he’s been unfaithful; but it may be the way that he responded to his own changes in your relationship. The concern I have is that your partner did not communicate his feelings about the changes he was going through with you and instead acted out with other men in a dishonest fashion without your knowledge or consent, perhaps putting you at risk for contracting STD’s. This is a huge violation of trust to your commitment.

You will first need to decide for yourself if you want to salvage your relationship, which will require you to grieve what’s happened, identify possible ways you yourself may have contributed to the distance in your partnership to “own” your role in it, and then begin the process of forgiveness of yourself and your partner. If you can do this, you and your partner will need to have ongoing communication sessions with each other and I would also encourage the two of you to pursue couples counseling with a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships.

So is this salvageable? Yes, if you both want it to work, and it will require 110% effort on both your parts. Both of you will need to define in specific terms the type of relationship that you’re looking for. What are your personal requirements of a partner and for a long-term relationship? What’s negotiable and what would be considered a “deal-breaker” for each of you? Compare your notes and see if you match and/or can make some compromises. If either one of you are unwilling to work on a particular deal-breaker issue, then the relationship will likely be incompatible because it would mean that the two of you have different values or philosophies of life.

You and your partner will want to explore any unmet needs that exist in your relationship and go about finding ways to get them met in healthy directions. You will also want to explore what triggered your partner to go outside your relationship and to discover strategies for getting these needs met within the context of your partnership. You’ll also want to define what monogamy means to each of you and whether you both desire an open relationship or strictly monogamous.

Through these kinds of discussions, you’ll be able to find out just how committed your partner is to building a future with you. You’ll always want to keep the channels of communication open, discussing any and all issues/feelings that come up along the way to stave off any potential problems and to keep centered on keeping your relationship safe. You’ll also want to find ways of bringing back more passion and aliveness into your relationship to keep things fresh and spontaneous (I have a couple of articles on my website about this issue in the Couples Articles section..”Passion Drought”).

I wish you all the best with your decision-making about this, my friend. My fingers are crossed for you and take good care of yourself.

©2008 Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

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