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| Articles |
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| Articles
for Couples |
| “Calming
the Storm in Your Relationship” |
Conflict
in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own
sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences
and you have a fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes.
This is normal and a necessary precursor for growth in your relationship
with your boyfriend or partner. Anger is a common emotion that emerges
during conflict. While conflict and anger are normal aspects of building
and maintaining a relationship with someone, there are right and wrong
ways to manage them. This article will address some ways to defuse
anger in your disagreements with your lover to ensure a more positive
environment to go about negotiating your differences.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “Passion
Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your
Relationship; Part 1” |
Many
gay men in both short and long-term relationships report
concern when the romance and passion in their partnerships
decline or “dry up”, leading them to question
themselves and fear for the future of their relationships.
An unfortunate consequence of this is that many men
break up with their partners prematurely at this point,
have affairs, or turn to some form of addiction to cope
under the mistaken notion that something is defective
or wrong in their relationships. This article is the
first in a two-part series and will describe how this
phenomenon is a normal occurrence in healthy relationship
development and how you can assess your own “relationship
red flags” that could reinforce a passionless
relationship with your boyfriend or partner.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| "Passion
Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your
Relationship; Part 2" |
In
Part 1, you learned about the developmental stages that
gay couples go through in their relationships and how
declining passion is a normal phenomenon and indication
that your partnership is growing and maturing. You also
had the opportunity to complete a self-assessment to
uncover any blocks that could stand in the way of your
having more passion in your relationship. Part 2 will
now offer some practical tips and suggestions for enhancing
intimacy in your relationship to bring more life and
spice to what you and your partner already share.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “Stop,
Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding
Your Partner” |
Do
you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep
getting into repetitive arguments over the same things?
Have hidden resentments toward him and a mountain of
unmet needs? If you’re like a lot of other gay
couples, chances are your listening skills might need
a jump-start; and if it’s not that, then fine-tuning
your ability to listen can go a long way toward bridging
the gap between you and your lover and bringing about
more clarity and connection in your relationship.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “Squashing
the Gay Relationship Killer Known as Jealousy” |
You
might feel it when that hot stud across the room at
the gym gives your lover “the look-over.”
You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated
on you and then you project it onto your current man.
Or you might experience it if you have an “open
relationship” and you know your partner is out
“tricking.” Whatever its form, jealousy
can take on many different faces and it can kill your
relationship if it’s not managed appropriately.
If you’re the one who’s afflicted with jealousy,
it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security
and contentment. If you’re the partner of a jealous
lover, your frustration at having to “walk on
eggshells” and constantly reassure your guy of
your commitment to him can be maddening.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “Intimacy
Freak-Out & Gay Men; Part 1” |
“Intimacy
freak-out.” You’ve seen it before. You’ve
probably encountered it during your dating escapades.
It happens when things seem to be going famously with
that special guy you’ve been dating, and when
things start getting just a little bit serious, BAM!
He disappears, never to be heard from again, for no
apparent reason. Or those men who will have oral and
anal sex with you, but they refuse to kiss you during
foreplay and then they’re immediately clothed
and out the door faster than a speeding bullet after
they’ve had their orgasm. Or perhaps you’re
in a long-term relationship and your partner isn’t
a real big fan of cuddling or showing displays of affection.
He seems distant, aloof, “cut off” from
you at times. Or maybe you, yourself, struggle with
detachment from your lover or have been told by him
that you’re “too needy and clingy.”
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “Intimacy
Freak-Out & Gay Men; Part 2” |
In
Part 1 of the series, “intimacy freak-out”
was defined and the reasons why gay men are prone to
this phenomenon were discussed. This article will address
some of the common intimacy fears that could block your
potential for true connection with your partner and
will offer some tips for enhancing your comfort with
intimacy to help you achieve ultimate relationship bliss!
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| "Top
Reasons Why Gay Relationships Work & Fail" |
Back
in the 90’s, I worked at Linden Oaks Hospital,
a psychiatric clinic in Naperville, Illinois in their
outpatient department providing counseling to all ages
and populations. We did a lot of work with couples and
used a handout with our clients that taught them about
attitudes and ingredients for having healthy intimate
relationships. I still use that handout in my clinical
work as it is a great resource in helping couples assess
their own relationship functioning, as well as to use
it as a guide for developing goals to work on. Linden
Oaks is credited for this content, which is outlined
below. The word ‘relationships’ is being
used instead of ‘marriages’, as was specified
in the handout. While written for a heterosexual audience,
we can certainly adapt this information to our gay partnerships
as the following content illustrates issues that are
universal to all relationship styles. Hopefully you
will find it useful as it applies to evaluating your
own relationship for maximizing its success.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| “When
A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples;
Part 1” |
Nothing
destroys the foundation of trust and security in a relationship
quite like infidelity does. The gay community at large
tends to accept more liberal forms of sexual expression.
Without social norms precluding what’s sexually
appropriate or not in the context of an intimate relationship,
gay men are in a position to choose for themselves the
role sex plays in their relationships. As such, most
gay couples develop a “relationship contract”
of sorts as they begin to merge their lives together
about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. For those couples who
have agreed to be monogamous, a partner’s affair
with another man can create a whirlwind of chaos and
pain—and sometimes, the destruction of the relationship
itself.
To read the rest of this article,
click here |
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| "When A Lover Cheats: Relationship Repair For Gay Couples; Part 2" |
When the “relationship contract” has been broken by an infidelity in a gay couple’s partnership, the foundation of trust and respect has likely been damaged. Some men opt to sever their ties, unable to cope with the boundary violation that’s occurred, while others decide to work at rebuilding their relationship. Each couple must decide for themselves which option best suits their needs and will be determined largely by the level of investment and commitment each has to endure through the painful tasks involved in recovering from an affair.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| "A Gay Lover’s Quarrel: Joe &
Paul Talk It Out" |
Paul
threw open the door to the apartment in a rage and stormed inside,
Joe hot on his tail. “God, you are being such a drama
queen! It’s no big deal! You’re reading way too
much into this!” cried Joe as he cornered his partner
in the bedroom. Paul swung around to face him, reeling with
anger as his heart pounded ferociously against his chest and
his hard, shallow breathing neared hyperventilation. “No
big deal?! Gee, thanks for caring about how I feel! That is
just so typical of you to only think of yourself and then downplay
what you’ve done and not take any responsibility! Then
I end up looking like the melodramatic one and you come out
smelling like a rose! Well not this time, Joe! I’ve had
it!”
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| "Taming The Drama Queen Within" |
Question: My boyfriend had enough of me being a “drama queen” as he called me and then ended our relationship. I didn’t get what he meant by that. I was only trying to express my feelings and communicate my thoughts. Now he calls me a “big drama queen” in front of his friends and I feel humiliated. How do I know if I’m a drama queen and if I am one, what can I do to stop being one?”
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Gay Male Couple Seeks The Same 4 Friendship” |
Knowing how and where to meet other gay men for friendship and dating has long been a challenge and complaint for single guys, but the task is made that much more daunting for partnered men. How does a gay couple go about finding other couples who are similarly committed to their relationships for genuine friendship and companionship?
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “5 Deadly Relationship Mistakes That Gay Couples Can Make” |
Whether you’re just starting out in a new relationship or have been long-term partners for many years, how does a gay couple maintain their relationship over the long haul and sustain that “magical spark” that drew them together in the first place?
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Should We Shack Up? A Gay Lovers’ Pre-Cohabitation Reality Check” |
Particularly with the legal sanctions that exist against gay marriage, moving in and living together is a big step and important rite-of-passage for a gay couple. It can symbolize the development and maturation of their relationship, as well as express the sense of a deepening commitment to each other and desire for more definition as partners.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Restoring Trust In Gay Relationships” |
Trust is probably the most important ingredient in fostering a healthy committed relationship and is commonly known to be the glue that cements a couple together. Trust is the endearing faith and confidence that your partner will respect you and not take advantage of or hurt you. It’s a feeling that he is genuine, authentic, dependable, and sincere. This connection allows you to be completely uninhibited and open yourself up to being vulnerable and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings—spots and all! Time and experience with your man has enabled a climate of safety to evolve in your relationship because you’ve both consistently demonstrated honor and strength of character in your actions toward each other and those around you.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “The Insecure Partner” |
Insecurity is no fun. It’s that nagging feeling of angst and anxiety, of being unsettled and worried. You feel helpless and that you don’t measure up to a person or situation, lacking a sense direction or confidence in how to approach things. Like in the initial stages of dating, a single gay man’s insecurity might look like…“Does he like me?” “Why hasn’t he called me like he said he would?” “Will he still be around even after we’ve had sex?”
These are pretty normal reactions; it becomes insecurity when the person becomes preoccupied and ruminates about the outcome, personalizing it and putting himself through a slow-torture of doubt and “what-if” thinking that distracts him from being centered and relaxed.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “It’s All About Us: Running Your Own Relationship Pow-Wow” |
Let’s face it--life can be pretty darn hectic sometimes! Juggling all those commitments and trying to balance the roles and responsibilities you have can be quite challenging, and the one area of your life that can take the biggest hit is your relationship. It can be so easy to take your partner for granted as you try to tackle all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls, and meet those family obligations. If you let it, your relationship can begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you and your partner have gotten into a comfortable groove in the way you relate and function as a couple. The obvious consequence to this is a weakening of connection, potential decreased intimacy, emotional distance, and resentment over unmet needs.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Boundaries For You & Your Guy” |
Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Long-Distance Lovers Lament No More” |
Nothing pains the heart more than being separated from your honey. You worked really hard to find Mr. Right and build a fulfilling life with him over the years. You’ve encountered and conquered so many challenges together and relish in the romance and richness of being a committed couple. You view the rewards of your partnership as great and can’t wait to share more experiences that will further enrich your relationship. That’s the vision that most happy couples report!
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “The Magnetic Relationship: When Positive and Negative Meet & Mate” |
Gay relationships come in all varieties and combinations…that’s what makes our community so diverse and eclectic! One such couple pairing has been coined “magnetic relationships”, which is defined as an HIV-positive and an HIV-negative man in a committed partnership together. Perhaps it stems from fear, ignorance, or other sociopolitical factors, but surprisingly very little has been written on this subject.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “Guy Gawking In Gay Relationships” |
When I first came out to myself as a gay man many years ago, I was completely clueless about the gay lifestyle. Like any culture, I quickly came to learn that the gay community has its own norms and practices that differed to lesser or greater degrees than what I’d experienced in the mainstream heterosexual world that we all grow up in and internalize.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “When ‘Not Tonight, Honey’ Becomes the Norm: Managing Sexless Gay Relationships; Part 1” |
“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache” is the well-known slogan attributed stereotypically to women who lack desire to have sex with their husbands. The slogan itself is intended to be a tongue-in-cheek joke at the expense of couples with discrepant sex drives, but the situation is actually no laughing matter. A large portion of intimate partners struggle on a daily basis with incompatible desires to have sex and it can create serious problems in relationships. And yes, there is a clinical term for this scenario…it’s called inhibited sexual desire. The urge to be sexually intimate with one’s partner waxes and wanes all the time throughout the course of a relationship; no two individuals in a couple can be expected to be in-sync sexually in every instance. It’s when sexual overtures are denied on a consistent basis and the relationship becomes devoid of any erotic or sexual fulfillment that trouble can start to brew. It tends to be more common that one partner desires the contact while the other distances and refuses participation in sexual activity.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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| “When ‘Not Tonight, Honey’ Becomes the Norm; Part 2” |
In our first installment of this article series, you learned about inhibited sexual desire, a very common sexual disorder that plagues millions of couples, and gay partnerships are no exception to this epidemic. You learned about its symptoms, subtypes, and possible causes for its existence in a relationship. In Part 2, some tips and strategies will now be offered on how best to manage and overcome this barrier to intimacy so that your relationship may enjoy the fruitful rewards of a healthy sexual lifestyle.
To read the rest of this article, click here |
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